The Plotless Adventures of Karkat and Eridan
by Iamembarrassedbymy12yoself
Summary: The title says it all - it's a story that started out without a plot, developed one at one point, and lost track of it again. Most of it is just fluff and humor centered around Karkat and Eridan.
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to the first chapter of this lovely fic! Let me give it a bit of an introduction.**

**This story originated as a roleplay between my matesprit and I (she is Eridan and I am Karkat), but after uploading pictures from the RP to deviantArt, we received many requests to upload the story. Since it was an RP, it didn't really have much of a plot (hence the title), was written mostly in chat logs, and also contains a few links. While the ones in this chapter are not completely necessary to follow the (lack of) plot, I'd still recommend looking at them by copy and pasting them into your browser and replacing [dot] with a period.**

**This story takes place in an AU where Eridan does not go crazy and kill a bitch or two. The exact time at which this fic takes place isn't very specific, but it is after the trolls wound up chilling on the asteroid. **

**Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and the art we linked in this chapter belongs to whoever the fuck drew it. If we used your art and you have a problem with it, let us know and we'll take it down.**

**Chapter 1**

Karkat growled at the onslaught of incoming messages. It seemed that every troll he knew was having some sort of issue that they felt demanded his immediate attention. He'd started out talking solely to John, but as his friends signed onto trollian one by one, his conversations multiplied. Now he was juggling Terezi, Sollux, John, Gamzee, and Eridan all at once, and as they persistently messaged him, he became increasingly enraged. Terezi was being her usual self, taunting Karkat and making stupid jokes at his expense - in the nicest way possible of course. Normally, this wouldn't bother him at all, but combined with the pestering of other trolls, it did. Sollux was also being his usual self, and that in itself was annoying. Karkat was, of course, having an obscene argument with him that the two would later pretend never happened. John was having a particularly difficult time understanding anything Karkat told him and requested many explanations on things Karkat had already explained in future conversations. Gamzee was doing his ordinary spiel about miracles and other stuff that Karkat didn't give two shits about. Eridan had been unbearable recently. Desperate to fill any quadrant with any troll, he'd resorted to hitting on pretty much anything that spoke to him. It was disgusting, pathetic, and Karkat hated to watch his obvious advances. When Eridan sent a message to Karkat, the smaller troll nearly punched his computer in irritation. However, as their conversation progressed, Karkat realized that Eridan's flirting was practically nonexistent. He found himself even enjoying the conversation the tiniest bit.

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY HAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH YOU ERIDAN. YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HIT ON ME.

CA: you probably just didnt notice

CA: i mean wwhat

CA: do

CA: do you wwant me to kar

CA: cause i totally could if you wwanted to go there

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ERIDAN, I THOUGHT YOU COULD BE MATURE ABOUT THIS

CG: OH WAIT, I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.

CA: i am bein mature

CG: COME TO THINK OF IT WHY AM I STILL TALKING TO YOU?

CG: GOOD FUCKING BYE ERIDAN.

CA: swweet dreams kar ;)

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 11:48

** THE NEXT FUCKING DAY**

Karkat opened a document editing program. There had been a certain itch that had needed scratching his whole day. How the hell was he supposed to make a XD face with his horns? He typed in a quick attempt but then recoiled in horror at the stupidity he had just created in three small characters: CxB. He swore an oath to never, EVER use that as his happy/laughing face. He resolved to consulting a friend about it, and looked down his trollslum, disappointed to see that only one troll was online, and it was pretty much the troll he least wanted to ask for advice on this matter: Eridan. Karkat heaved a sigh as he hesitantly clicked on Eridan's trolltag.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:09

CG: HEY FUCKASS.

CA: hey

CG: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FUCKING ONLINE RIGHT NOW, SO YOU'RE THE ONLY I CAN FUCKING TALK TO ABOUT THIS.

CA: eww im not fuckin online

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP.

CA: wwhat do you need help wwith kar

CG: I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE HAPPY FACES TO THE LEFT BECAUSE OF MY HORNS, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.

CA: wwhat about CxB

CG: NO.

CA: C:B ?

CG: WHAT ABOUT...

CG: C]:B

CG: OH GOD NOW IT JUST HAS A MUSTACHE.

CG: MAYBE I'M JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE LAUGHING OR HAPPY FACES AT ALL.

CG: J:B

CA: do you wwant me to make you havve a happy face kar?

CG: YES

CG: WAIT FUCK

CG: NO

CA: BD

CG: JUST STOP, ERIDAN

CG: PLEASE

CA: ok

CA: i wwill do wwhatevver you wwant kar

CG: WAIT REALLY?

CA: anythin you wwant

CA: anythin

CG: OH GOD I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING

CA: maybe

CG: GO AWAY ERIDAN

CA: howw can i go awway wwere not evven close

CA: physically

CG: AND I NEVER WANT TO BE

CA: i can get close to you physically

CG: NO

CG: I'M REJECTING YOU

CA: ...

CA: r-really?

CA: ww-wwhy are you so mean kar...

CA: wwhy is evveryone so mean

CA: im just lonely here

CG: WE'RE NOT MEAN WE JUST DON'T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU

CA: i got major ordeals to deal wwith and no one is wwillin to lift a fuckin finger...

CG: OR TALK TO YOU

CA: ...

CG: OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU

CA: ...!

CG: WHAT "MAJOR ORDEALS" DO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH. PLEASE. ENLIGHTEN ME.

CA: IMMA GO CRAZY AND KILL YA BITCH

CA: errrrr wwwwwwhat

CA: sorry that wwas my turrets kickin in

CA: but

CA: there are all these things i havve to do and only crazy catgirl shipper girl is doin anythin and she isnt evven talkin to me

CG: AWW DOES SOMEONE NEED A HUG?

CA: ...

CA: maybe

CA: can i havve a hug kar

CG: GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE FOR IT

CA: ...

CA: but i havve asked others

CA: they said no

CA: and it wwasnt like the wway you say no kar i knoww wwhen youre jokin

CG: WELL MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A TROLL. EVER THINK OF THAT?

CG: I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING

CA: wwoah kar i had no idea you wwanted that kinda relationship

CG: NO

CG: GOD NO

CA: dont you think youre comin on a little strong

CA: i mean wwhatevver floats your boat but

CG: I HATE YOU PLATONICALLY. COMPLETELY PLATONICALLY. DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY I'M THE ONE COMING ON STRONG

CA: oh reelly

CG: YES

CG: I'M NOT KIDDING ERIDAN, AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE TO THINK I AM

CA: oh i knoww you are kar

CA: i can alwways tell wwhen youre makin a joke

CA: its kinda a secret language wwe got goin here

CA: wwe understand each other kar

CA: you and me

CA: me and you

CG: CLEARLY YOU CAN'T. CLEARLY YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING THROUGH ANYONE'S HEAD YOU FUCKING SELF ABSORBED HIPSTER.

CA: haha oh kar you make me laugh so

CA: much

CG: I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR MIND WORKS. IT'S A COMPLETE FUCKING MYSTERY TO ME.

CA: im mysterious?

CG: YES. YOU'RE MYSTERIOUS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING WAY. AND YET YOU STILL MANAGE TO BE A COMPLETE JOKE.

CA: wwoww thanks i guess kar

CA: so noww im mysterious and funny? oh kar you alwways knoww wwhat to say to cheer me up

CG: OK I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY TO INSULT YOU ANY MORE. YOU JUST KEEP TWISTING THEM INTO FUCKED UP COMPLIMENTS. AT LEAST YOU MIGHT STOP MOPING THIS WAY

CA: yeah thanks kar

CA: for carin

CG: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. NOT THAT YOU'D UNDERSTAND THAT.

CA: haha youre lucky i understand our humor kar otherwwise i might think you didnt care about me lmao

CG: I DON'T. THERE IS NO HUMOR CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR UGLY FUCKING SCARF AND STUPID HAIR?

CA: hahaha so funny kar B)

CA: i especially like the bit about the scarf haha classic kar

CG: YOUR SCARF. IT'S UGLY

CG: APPARENTLY THAT'S A JOKE

CA: haha yeah especially i knoww you like it

CA: especially in our play-hate sessions kar

CG: NO. I DON'T GET WHY THE WORDS "I HATE YOU PLATONICALLY" DON'T REGISTER WITH YOU.

CA: oh i knoww you dont hate me in that wway

CA: er

CA: i dont think i could evver really hate you that wway either kar

CA: unless you wwanted me to

CG: I DO WANT YOU TO. PLEASE. IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU JUST AS MUCH.

CA: oh

CA: wwell i had no idea

CA: uh

CA: okay

CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU FIVE MILLION TIMES BEFORE

CA: you told me to hate you a million times?

CG: WELL GENERALLY THAT'S THE REACTION I WAS TRYING TO GET EVERY TIME I SAID I HATE YOU OR WHENEVER I INSULTED YOU.

CA: i havve to admit i am completely shocked by this revvelation

CA: blackrom? really? huh.

CA: so...

CA: should you get the pails or should i

CG: NO

CG: AUGH

CG: ERIDAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT PLATONIC MEANS?

CA: lovve/hate wwith plato? im not sure im into that kar

CA: i havve standards

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS PLATO?

CA: oops playdough my bad looks like this [dot] blogspot [dot] com/-C3dkHgs2F1Y/TeOkFqJVVlI/AAAAAAAAAk4/IwXxRNuZz9c/s320/IMG_6872 [dot] JPG

CG: THAT IS SOME GROSS SHIT, ERIDAN.

CA: yeah it is

CA: and it comes in all colors a the rainboww

CA: pretty morbid

CG: WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE NEAR SOMETHING THAT FUCKING REVOLTING?

CA: man i dont knoww kar thats wwhy i wwas confused

CG: PROBABLY FOR THE SAME REASON YOU THINK I WANT TO BE NEAR YOU.

CA: oh haha nice one

CG: PLEASE, JUST FUCKING LOOK THE WORD PLATONIC UP. SAVE US ALL SOME TROUBLE

CA: no

CA: i dont fuckin feel like it

CA: youre far lowwer on the hemospectrum than me i dont havve to do shit!

CA: thtbhbttbtbtbt

CG: HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?

CA: cuz vvris can control you fucknuts

CA: she can only control people lowwer on the hemospectrum duh

CA: and youre a land dwweller

CA: wwhich automatically means youre lowwer than me

CG: ...YOU MAKE A VALID POINT. BUT YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING LAZY AND IGNORANT IDIOT.

CA: at least im nobility i dont havve to take orders from fuckin anyone

CA: and i am in no wway lazy i had to deal wwith all those terrible angels remember

CA: the ones NO ONE WWOULD HELP ME WWITH

CG: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO KILL THEM FUCKASS

CA: seriously i had to deal wwith those horrible things wwhile nobody came to help me

CA: it wwas horrible

CA: but i dealt wwith it

CA: ALONE

CG: YOU'RE FINALLY LEARNING TO BE A MAN. CONGRADU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

CG: I STILL WON'T GET WITH YOU.

CA: howw am i doin wwith the hate too much too little?

CG: I DON'T WANT TO BE KISMESISES.

CG: WAS THAT FUCKING CLEAR ENOUGH?

CA: oh right haha of couuuuuuurse

CA: oh kar i mean this in the most lovving wway but you are a total hat wwhore

CA: oops *hate

CG: OK, SINCE WORDS AREN'T WORKING, CLEARLY, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS VISUALLY. THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU: http:/27 [dot] media [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lkut1bd4941qjaznao1_500 [dot] png

CG: WAIT

CG: FUCK

CG: NO

CG: YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT

CG: UHH... I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

CG: IGNORE IT.

CG: http:/25 [dot] media [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lm6keqfxn31qipzzwo1_500 [dot] jpg

CG: THERE. SEE MY FACE? DOES THAT LOOK LIKE I'M ENJOYING YOUR FUCKING PRESENCE?

CA: wwoah kar wwhere did you evven get that first picture

CG: UHH... TEREZI SENT IT TO ME. AS A JOKE. TO PISS ME OFF.

CA: really

CA: uh huh

CG: YES. REALLY.

CG: IT WORKED TOO. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT I WANT TO VOMIT.

CG: REALLY

CA: right

CA: sure kar

CA: wwhatevver you saaaaaaaay

CG: NO I'M SERIOUS. TEREZI DREW IT OR SOMETHING.

CA: haha suuuuuuure she did

CG: OR SHE GOT ONE OF HER FRIENDS WHO CAN ACTUALLY DRAW FOR SHIT DO IT. AND THEN SHE SENT IT TO ME. AND I COPIED THE WRONG LINK. DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA

CA: hahaha yeah okayyyyyyyy

CA: that sounds vvery believvable kar

CA: this is my suuuuuuuuuure face btww :http:/browse [dot] deviantart [dot] com/?qh§ion&q=eridan#/d3fm1zr

CA: except you havve to imagine my eyebrowws wwiggling up and dowwn

CA: totally unsuggestivvely (wwink wwink)

CG: ERIDAN, I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HEARTS, FAN ART OR WINKS.

CG: AND YOU LOOK LIKE THIS GUY

CG: http:/deconstructingcomics [dot] com/podcast/references/hanna [dot] jpg

CG: YOU'RE SECRETLY A GINGER,

CG: THAT'S WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU

CA: ...

CA: kar look up human karkat on devviantart

CA: you are also a ginger lmao

CA: http:/browse [dot] deviantart [dot] com/?qh§ion&q=human+karkat#/d392to0 lmao

CG: AT LEAST MY SECRET GINGER NAME ISN'T HANNA.

CA: wwhat

CA: hanna

CA: wwhat

CG: http:/hanna [dot] aftertorque [dot] com/?p=4

CA: oh haha kar thats silly i look nothing like that guy i thought you meant something else

CG: YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HIM. AND IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT I HATE THAT WEBCOMIC AS WELL.

CA: i dont knoww that wwebcomic i dont read those things

CA: i dont see the resemblance at all

CG: ERIDAN, YOU HAVE THE SAME FUCKING GLASSES AND THE SAME SEXY HAIR, EXCEPT YOURS IS FUCKING PURPLE AND BLACK.

CG: SHIT, I MEANT FUCKING. NOT SEXY. NEVER SEXY

CG: STOP GETTING OFF ON MY TYPOS ERIDAN

CA: typos or troll Freudian slips?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FREUDIAN?

CG: THOSE WERE TYPOS.

CA: troll freudian kar this guy wwith glasses that wwasnt me or sol or eq wwho youvve probably nevver heard of

CA: i think he had glasses

CG: THANKS ERIDAN. THAT WAS REALLY FUCKING HELPFUL.

CA: wwell it basically means you let something slip thats actually howw you really feel *hint hint

CG: NO ERIDAN. THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I DID. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I FIND YOU REPULSIVE?

CA: i guess more than wwhat youvve already said haha

CA: honestly kar your little insults are startin to become sort of

CA: wwell cute

CA: like pet names

CG: ERIDAN, HOW THE FUCK CAN I CONVINCE YOU THAT I HATE YOU ENTIRELY? AND NOT IN A KISMESIS WAY?

CA: ohhhh

CA: kar

CA: i knoww you dont

CA: haha but

CA: i dunno

CA: some a those "typos"...

CA:

CG: THAT'S ALL THEY WERE. FUCKING TYPOS. I DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU, RED OR BLACK. NONE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.

CA: yeah hehe they sure wwere "fucking" typos kar hehehe

CG: YES. FUCKING. IT'S KIND OF MY WORD. I USE IT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED.

CA: ...are you insinuatin somethin?

CG: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ERIDAN? I'M FUCKING IN BED.

CA: really

CA: uhhhhh wwho

CG: I MEAN I'M FUCKING TO SLEEP NOW

CG: GOING TO SLEEP. NOW. THERE IS NO FUCKING INVOLVED.

CA: oh my cod kar

CA: uh okay good i guess

CG: WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IF I TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING TEREZI?

CA: wwould you like me more if i told you i wwas terezi?

CG: PROBABLY.

CG: BUT YOU'RE FUCKING NOT.

CA: haha okay then

CA: YOURE FUCKIN TEREZI

CA: OH

CA: COD

CA: KAR

CA: NOOOOOOO

CA: I DO NOT WWANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT

CG: ...GOOD FUCKING NIGHT.

CA: ...can i join?

CG: FUCK NO

CA: glub

CA: good night kar

CA: sleep tight! *heart*


	2. Chapter 2

**Another chapter so soon? =o**

**Don't get used to it. Also I apologize for the long pester log. It is long. So long.**

**Homestuck belongs to Hussie (hussie hussie hussie why is your name so much fun to say?)**

**Chapter 2**

Karkat stepped into his room and slammed the door shut, breathing heavily. He had just barely escaped Terezi, who had been increasingly flirtatious as of late. Maybe this was some sort of zombie apocolypse in which everyone had suddenly developed a sickening obsession with Karkat. If that was the case, the disease was spreading.

Karkat made his way over to his computer after locking his door, and wasn't surprised to see that the other flirty troll had messaged him after Karkat had left. "CA: sleep tight! *heart*" the other troll had typed. Karkat felt his eye twitch as the small digital heart Eridan had sent him stared up at him. Seeing that the sea dweller was currently online, Karkat pounded in an angry response:

CG: ERIDAN, I STOP SENDING ME HEARTS AND TELLING ME TO HAVE SWEET DREAMS. I'M NOT FUCKING INTERESTED.

CA: i havvent done that stuff in ages kar get wwith the program

CG: LAST FUCKING NIGHT

CA: yeah

CA: a wwhole night

CG: AND THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT

CG: WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN SINCE.

CG: SO BASICALLY

CG: THE LAST FUCKING TIME WE TALKED YOU SENT ME A HEART.

CA: wwell you knoww wwhat you wwere the one sayin i had sexy hair and shit

CG: YOUR HAIR IS NOT SEXY!

CA: musta been a typo ;)

CG: WHAT, SEXY OR THE HEART?

CA: the heart a course

CA: cuz i wwould neeeeeevver send you one a those kar

CA: ;)

CG: YOU FUCKING CREEP

CA: i thought wwe couldnt be held accountable for our typos kar

CA: but if the rules havve changed...

CA: ;)

CG: YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE THE SEXY WAS A TYPO. WHICH IT WAS.

CA: oh wwoops i guess i musta made a typo

CA: ;D

CG: FUCKFACE.

CA: wwhat

CA: you wwant to wwhat my face

CG: YOU

CG: NO

CG: FUCK JEGUS NO

CA: wwoww

CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT LAST NIGHT AGAIN?

CA: ...uh didnt you say you wwere makin it big wwith ter last night kar?

CA: in wwhich case if you wwant to tell me

CG: YES. WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU WERE REPULSED BY THAT

CA: wwell im not gonna be one to judge but if you wwant to get me invvolvved

CA: i wwont hold it against you

CA: at all

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT HOLDING THINGS AGAINST ME.

CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT

CA: wwoww

CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU INTERPRETED THAT BUT IT WAS PROBABLY WRONG.

CA: howw did you interpret it kar

CG: THAT YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING WEIRD FETISH THAT INVOLVES ME. AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANY PART IN IT.

CA: ...any part in wwhat kar

CG: YOUR CREEPY FUCKING FETISH

CG: BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY I'M AN UKE

CG: WAIT

CG: I MEAN

CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN

CG: WELL IT IS BUT

CG: I DON'T WANT YOU TO START GETTING WEIRD FUCKING IDEAS.

CA: wwell okay i suppose i can livve wwith that

CA: so youre the seme

CG: YES.

CG: FUCK NOT YOUR SEME

CA: mm hmm

CG: I WILL EAT YOUR HAND

CG: I'M SORRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I SAID THAT

CA: please dont

CG: I DON'T WANT TO. I THINK I'VE MADE IT PRETTY FUCKING CLEAR I DON'T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.

CG: UMM... ERIDAN?

*caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle troll.*

CG: FUCK, DID YOU DIE?

CG: OK I WAS KIDDING BEFORE, BUT FUCK DID YOU DIE? YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR LIKE 10 FUCKING MINUTES

CA: but you just said you wwould eat my hand

CG: WHY DO YOU DECIDE THAT THE MOST RIDICULOUS FUCKING THING I SAY IS THE THING THAT IS NOT A JOKE. WHAT THE FUCK.

CA: kar... i just realized...

CA: you said SORRY to me...

CG: WHERE THE FUCK DID I...

CG: HOLY FUCK I DID

CG: I DIDN'T MEAN TO TYPE THAT. MY FINGER SLIPPED. TEREZI HIT ME.

CA: reelly

CA: wwhy did she hit you

CG: BECAUSE THATS WHAT TEREZI FUCKING DOES. SHE HITS ME WHEN I COMFORT HER, SHE HITS ME WHEN I MAKE FUN OF HER, AND SHE HITS ME WHEN I SPEND ALL FUCKING DAY ARGUING WITH YOU.

CA: im sorry kar

CA: wwould you like to havve a feelins jam?

CG: I REALLY HOPE THAT WAS FUCKING SARCASM.

CA: sarcasm?

CA: does that mean wwhat i think it means

CG: THAT THING THE HUMANS DO WHEN THEY SAY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY MEAN.

CA: ohhhhhhhhhhhh

CA: okay it did not mean wwhat i thought it meant

CG: I'M NOT GOING TO ASK WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT MEANT.

CA: i dont think you wwant to knoww

CA: but in any case no it wwas not... that

CG: |:B

CA: howw

CA: howw did you make that face?

CA: l:B mine doesnt evven compare in length to yours

CG: ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY | ERIDAN?

CA: howw did you get a l so long

CG: OH JEGUS... YOU WERE FLIRTING AGAIN WEREN'T YOU. IN YOUR CREEPY FUCKING WAY.

CA: wwhat

CA: howw wwas i evven

CG: ...NEVERMIND

CA: you cant provve anythin

CG: |:B

CA: B| therrrrre wwe go

CG: FUCK YOU.

CA: uh its physically impossible for me to do that kar

CA: i still dont knoww howw to do that also

CA: i copy & pasted

CG: IT'S ABOVE THE FORWARDSLASH FUCKASS

CA: .B

CA: wwhat

CG: \FORWARD SLASH

CG: /BACK SLASH

CA: thats delete

CG: JEGUS AM I REALLY TEACHING YOU YOUR WAY AROUND A FUCKING KEYBOARD?

CA: ohhhh wwait

CG: SHIFT, MORON

CA: |

CA: OH MY COD I DID IT

CG: ONCE AGAIN, CONGRADU-FUCKING-LATIONS

CA: thank you

CG: THAT WAS SARCASM.

CA: i can noww make all sorts a emoticons {}38888o33

CG: ∞

CG: U

CG: FUCK

CG: AND YOUR EMOTICON IS SHIT UGLY

CA: ?

CA: id gladly spend infinity wwith you kar

CG: ∞

CG: U

CG: FUCK

CA: 8D

CG: TROLLIAN IS FUCKING THIS ALL UP

CG: WHY DO YOU FUCK UP EVERYTHING I SAY?

CA: youre the one sayin it kar

CA: wwe need a program in wwhich wwe can draww together online.

CG: THAT'S ABOUT THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO WITH YOU.

CA: wwhy

CG: WHY ERIDAN? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT KINDS OF FREAKY SHIT YOU WANT TO DRAW FOR ME.

CA: its not like id be drawwin anythin unnatural kar

CG: OH YEAH. "NATURAL". AS IN BUCKETS.

CG: RIGHT

CA: wwwwwwwwwwwoah

CA: wwwwwwhat

CA: wwait wwhaaaaat

CG: YOU'RE THE ONE THINKING IT

CA: howw did you knoww that

CA: i mean

CA: no i wwasnt

CA: lies

CA: i wwas thinkin a drawwin you

CA: and me

CA: and maybe fef

CG: FEFERI IS NOT INVITED

CA: wwell okay if you say so

CG: I MEAN, I KNEW BECAUSE IT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT.

CA: not necessarilly kar...

CA: i havve thoughts that dont revvolvve around fuckin trolls or nontrolls

CA: i havve an intelligent mind and advanced feelins

CG: AS IF.

CA: i wwonder about a lot a things

CA: do you wwant to knoww wwhats on my mind kar

CG: WAIT YOU THINK ABOUT FUCKING NONTROLLS?

CA: a course not

CA: i said my thoughts dont revvolvve around that

CA: im a prince

CA: i wwould nevver sink to try and get a relationship wwith the wwitch or the coolkid or the other wwitch

CG: WHAT, DO YOU FUCKING WONDER WHY THE FUCKING SEA IS WET?

CG: THAT'S ABOUT WHERE YOUR LEVEL OF THINKING IS

CA: i knoww wwhy the sea is wwet kar!

CA: its because

CA: uh

CA: wwell because wwater is wwet

CA: and the sea is made up a wwater

CA: thus makin it pretty fuckin wwet

CG: GOOD FOR YOU, YOU GET A GOLD FUCKING STAR

CG: ALL YOUR LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE COMPLETE AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO THINKING ABOUT FUCKING NONTROLLS

CA: you knoww wwhat else is wwet kar

CG: LOTS OF THINGS ARE WET FUCKASS. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

CA: ewwww

CA: lots of things are wwet fuckass?

CG: THERE SHOULD BE A COMMA IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

CA: uh huh

CA: anywways i wwas talkin about sopor slime

CA: see

CA: thoughts that dont revvolvve around fuckin nontrolls

CG: ERIDAN, WE'RE DISCUSSING WHY WATER AND SLIME ARE WET. WHAT PART OF THAT IS FUCKING INTELLECTUAL AT ALL?

CA: its actually vvery

CA: wwhy does wwater cling to your skin the wway it does despite wwashing most sticky things off?

CA: see

CA: if gam wwere here hed be preachin about fuckin miracles by noww

CA: because science is fuckin awwesome

CG: IT'S CALLED ADHESION, IDIOT.

CG: IT'S A PROPERTY OF WATER. MAJOR FUCKING MIRACLE.

CA: oh please oh please do not tell me youre startin in on the miracles carp

CG: SARCASM AGAIN. I'M RUNNING OUT OF NAMES TO USE TO INSULT YOUR INTELLIGENCE

*caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle troll.*

CG: ERIDAN.

CG: YOU DIED AGAIN.

CA: wwhat?

CA: i died again?

CG: EVERY FIVE MINUTES ERIDAN DOESN'T REPLY, AN ERIDAN DIES.

CG: A DOOMED ERIDAN.

CG: THEY'D DIE ANYWAY

CA: oh no!

CA: im sorry i had to take a wwizz!

CG: FUCK, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

CA: wwait if evvery fivve minutes an eri dies than howw am i supposed to fuckin sleep

CA: and does the same rule apply to you

CG: DIDN'T I TELL YOU ALL NOT TO FUCKING SLEEP?

CA: wwell yeah

CA: but wwerent you sleepin last night?

CA: wwhen you said good night and all that and said you wwere fuckin to bed?

CG: NO, I WAS FUCKING TEREZI.

CA: does ter approvve of you tellin me this

CG: poj

CG: K,,,,,,,L22222222222222, EEEEEEEEEE

CA: ...kar?

CA: ...wwha...

CG: ...SORRY, I WAS ATTACKED BY TEREZI.

CA: i guess that answwers my question then haha

CA: are you okay ovver there

CG: YEAH, I'M GOOD NOW. SHE WENT INTO ANOTHER ROOM.

*caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle troll.*

CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP LEAVING, ASSHAT?

CA: asshat?

CG: YES, YOU ASSHAT

CA: wwhat the fuck is an asshat?

CG: YOU. YOU ARE MY ASSHAT

CG: I MEAN AN ASSHAT

CA: uhhh

CA: wwhat exactly does that entail

CG: IT'S AN INSULT, FUCKASS.

CA: ...but hats covver peoples heads

CA: so an asshat by definition...

CA: haha wwait you wwant me to covver your rear?

CG: IF YOU WANT TO RUIN EVERY GOOD INSULT

CG: NO I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR MY REAR, FUCKTARD

CA: hey im just clarifyin here no need to get sharky ;)

CG: ...NO

CA: no...wwhat?

CG: YOU'D THINK YOU'D UNDERSTAND BY NOW THAT I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

CG: |:B

CA: dammit i keep misreadin that as a bucktoothed guy wwith a unibroww

CG: HAHA, JOHN WITH A UNIBROW.

CA: wwho

CG: JOHN. ONE OF THE HUMANS.

CA: oh

CG: JEGUS, HAVEN'T YOU MET THEM YET? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE TRYING THEM OUT ONCE ALL THE TROLLS REJECTED YOU.

CA: i nevver talked to that one because the others had already rejected me and i figured wwhat wwas the point

CA: er

CA: wwait no i havvent talked to any of them yet

CA: that wwas a joke haha

CA: fat chance a me sinkin to that levvel

CG: JOHN SAID HE'S NOT A HOMOSEXUAL ANYWAY.

CG: NOT THAT I SUGGESTED ANYTHING.

CA: a wwhat

CA: wwhats a homosexual?

CG: APPARENTLY IT'S WHEN TWO HUMAN MALES HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

CA: they havve a name for that

CA: wway to be needlessly specific

CG: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

CG: WELL, SORT OF.

CA: wwhat did you say

CG: I TOLD HIM IT WAS FUCKING STUPID.

CG: BECAUSE IT IS.

CA: yeah wwhy wwould they showw a preference? i dont get it

CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT MATTER IF THEY DON'T?

CA: i dont knoww

CA: humans are so wwierd

CG: YOU CAN'T HELP WHO YOUR MATESPRIT ENDS UP BEING.

CG: SEE ERIDAN, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT NO ONE WANTS TO BE NEAR YOU.

CG: YOU WERE JUST DESTINED TO BE ALONE.

CG: FOREVER

CA: uhh

CA: im not sure wwhether i should be consoled or disheartened

CA: are you hungry kar

CG: A LITTLE.

CG: WAIT, WHY?

CA: wwhale im starvvin

CA: do you

CA: maybe wwant to go get somethin to eat

CG: ERIDAN, I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A FUCKING DATE WITH YOU. WE WERE FINALLY HAVING A NORMAL FUCKING CONVERSATION, TOO.

CA: ...wwhale wwe could just do it as moirails

CA: if you wwant

CG: ERIDAN, WHAT PART OF I HATE YOU DO YOU NOT GET?

CA: if you hate me so fuckin much then wwhy are you evven talkin to me

CG: I'M...

CG: UM...

CG: THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

CG: WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE?

CG: ALL YOU'VE DONE IS MADE ME EXTREMELY HORNY.

CG: ANGRY

CG: ANGRY DAMMIT

CG: FUCKING PISSED

CG: RAGE

CA: really?

CG: YOU MAKE ME ANGRY ERIDAN. YOU DO.

CA: howw did you evven get horny out of angry kar

CG: IT WAS A FUCKING TYPO

CA: ohhhhhhhh yessssssss

CG: MY KEYBOARD IS ALL FUCKED UP

CA: typos seem to be fuckin evverywwhere these days dont they

CG: TEREZI MOVED A BUNCH OF THE KEYS AROUND AND SHIT

CA: ahuh

CA: im sure she did

CG: AND SHE LICKED SOME OF THE LETTERS OFF.

CA: mm hmm

CG: I'M NOT KIDDING ERIDAN

CA: oh i dont doubt that kar

CG: THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

*caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle troll.*

CG: ERIDAN YOU DIED AGAIN.

CA: nooooo

CA: cod dammit!

CA: i wwas wwatchin

CA: somethin

CG: RIGHT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

CA: uhhh

CA: coddddd i ham so hungry right noww i could eat a wwhale

CA: shell i could evven eat gl'bgolyb

CG: |:B

CG: ERIDAN, GO EAT SOMETHING. YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY FUCKING SENSE.

CA: its fef's lussus but i wwill go eat somethin because honestly i think my stomachs startin to eat itself

CA: i appreciate your concern by the wway

CG: I'M NOT CONCERNED FUCKASS. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO A BLATHERING IDIOT.

CG: I CAN DEAL WITH IDIOTS TO AN EXTENT BUT ONCE THEY START BLATHERING, THAT'S FUCKING IT

CG: I HAVE TO GO TO MY SINGING LESSON.

CG: WHAT?

CG: NO.

CG: I UM. I'LL BE BACK IN A BIT ERIDAN.

CA: blathering?

CA: is that like lathering

CA: wwith soap

CA: or other things

CA: kar so many kars are dyin

*carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll.*

CA: ...glub

CA: ...i think i ate too much

CA: i think eatin made me drowwzy

CA: sometimes i get drowwzy after eatin some food

CA: i think im goin to hit the shitty wwand pile if thats alright wwith you

CA: ill talk to you again tomorroww kar

CA: glub

*caligulasAquarium [CA] is now an idle troll.*

CG: ERIDAN DID YOU FUCKING LEAVE?

CA: yeah but im back noww

CG: OH GOOD. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE A FUCKING BORING SHIT NIGHT.

CA: awwww thats swweet a you kar

CG: ERIDAN...

CG: I MORE MEANT THAT YOU ACTING LIKE A TOTAL MORON IS MORE INTERESTING THAN TEREZI HITTING ME. I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU.

CA: my acting like a total moron is more interestin than ter hittin on you?

CA: im honored

CG: HITTING ME. NOT ON ME. THAT'S YOU.

CA: im on you?

CG: NO YOU'RE FUCKING HITTING ON ME. I THINK I WOULD FUCKING NOTICE IF YOU WERE ON ME

CA: probably

CA: but i am pretty light

CG: OH LOOK, ERIDAN ISN'T FUCKING ON ME. WHAT A SURPRISE.

CG: WAIT, THAT CAME OUT WRONG...

CA: i could if you wwanted me to kar

CG: HOW DO YOU EVEN... FUCK ON SOMEONE?

CA: do you wwant an explanation kar

CG: ARE YOU PLANNING ON HAVING A THREESOME OR SOMETHING?

CG: I'M JUST TRYING TO PICTURE THIS

CG: OH... OH JEGUS MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE.

CA: wwell id prefer just the two of us but

CA: haha that wwas a joke

CA: obvviously

CA: no truth in that at all

CA: glub

CG: RIGHT.

CG: |:B

CA: (hehehe)

CG: ERIDAN, YOU REALIZE I DON'T BELIEVE THAT AT ALL, RIGHT?

CA: er wwhat

CG: NEVER MIND. IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING PRETEND I DON'T KNOW THAT'S FUCKING FINE WITH ME.

CA: nnngg

CA: i think i inhaled some sand

CG: NICE FUCKING JOB.

CA: wwait not sand im on a meteor theres no fuckin sand here

CA: wwhat did i just inhale

CA: oh

CA: oh carp

CG: DO I WANT TO KNOW?

CA: uHhhh

CA: doEs sopOr slimE havVe the same efFeCt if you inHale it As wWheN yOu eaT iT…?

CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. ASK GAMZEE.

CA: oHhHhHh

CA: myYyYyYy

CA: cOd

CA: kAr

CA: mAgiC iS rEel

CG: OH FUCKING JEGUS

CA: fUckIng jEguS? wWoahHh kAr

CA: dId nOt nEed tO kNowW tHat

CG: OH FUCK... FUCKING TEREZI.

CA: hEy kAr

CA: cAn i gEt iN oN sOme a tHat aCtiOn kAr

CG: YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING ERIDAN.

CA: ß©

CG: WHAT THE FUCK

CA: iTs mY gLasSes kAr aNd a fRowWny fAce

CA: ß©

CG: DID YOUR FACE MELT OR SOME SHIT?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS ß©

CA: AhAaaAaa i dOnt eVveN nO kAaaAar

CG: AUGH. WAIT THERE, I'M COMING OVER. SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T ACCIDENTALLY FUCKING DROWN YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN SPIT OR FALL DOWN SOME STAIRS OR SOME SHIT

carinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 21:45

Karkat thrust against the back of his chair and stood up, masking his concern with annoyance. He quickly made his way to the computer lab, which was deserted, save for Eridan, who was at the moment attempting to lick the ceiling.

"JEGUS WHERE THE FUCK IS GAMZEE?" Karkat said to himself, and then paused for a second. "WAIT FUCK THAT, GAMZEE ISN'T GOING TO BE ANY FUCKING HELP."

Suddenly Eridan ceased moving and slowly turned his gaze towards Karkat, looking at him with an uneaven stare. He simply stood there for a minute before moaning, "kAaaR".

"WHAT."

"kAaaR I don't feel so gOooood"

Karkat glanced to the side in annoyance. "DAMN, AND I WAS ABOUT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF" he caught himself. "UH THE SITUATION… AND… OH HELL IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS ANYWAY." Throwing caution to the winds, Karkat moved towards Eridan slightly, who was swaying on the spot.

"bLuhhh" Eridan groaned, trying to make sense of the whole thing. "wwHaaaT aAre yOu talkIn aBouuut"

Karkat didn't think Eridan would particularly mind the smaller-horned of the two taking advantage of him, in truth, he would probably have embraced it. However, any chance of anyone taking advantage of anyone else was promptly dismissed by what happened next.

"OH JEGUS, WAY TO KILL THE FUCKING MOMENT." Karkat shouted in disgust. "YOU JUST FUCKING THREW UP ON ME" Eridan payed no attention to Karkat as he was busy heaving his insides onto Karkat's front. "FUCK, NOW YOU SMELL LIKE SLIME AND VOMIT" Eridan groaned and gasped for air for a couple of minutes before moaning, "seahorsedaaaaaaaaad". Karkat eyed the pile of spew in repulsion. "I'M NOT FUCKING THAT." He then realized what he said and quickly reiterated, "FUCK, I MEAN TOUCHING" Eridan opened his eyes slightly and looked up at Karkat blearily, like one awakening from a deep sleep.

"kar…?" he asked.

"WHAT" Karkat glared at him.

"wwhat are you doin here…?"

"I CAME OVER TO MAKE SURE YOU DIDN'T CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT."

"…wwhat am _i _doin here?"

"VOMITING"

"oh cod" Eridan's gaze drifted down to Karkat's soiled clothes, as he struggled to understand what was going on. "wwhy are you covvered in that stuff"

"IT'S YOUR FUCKING VOMIT."

"…" Eridan's eyes widened as he finally begun to understand. "OH COD IM SORRY KAR" He cut his outburst short by slapping his hand to his head and wincing in pain. "…okay im gonna speak in lowwer case again i kinda havve a migraine" Karkat ignored this.

"YOU BETTER FUCKING BE." He raged at the sea dweller. "GO GET ONE OF EQUIUS'S TOWELS OR SOMETHING"

"owwwwwwwww" Eridan flinched at the pounding inside his head. "kar can you stop yellin please" He looked up at Karkat pleadingly. "just this once" He gave his best puppy-dog impression. "please?"

"FUCK NO."

"aaghhhhhhhh"

"AND MAKE SURE IT'S FUCKING CLEAN" Karkat continued, unsympathetic towards Eridan's plight. "I DON'T NEED SLIME VOMIT AND SWEAT ON ME."

"noooooo" Eridan groaned. "none of them are clean and my heads about to burstttttttt!"

Karkat felt concern gnaw at him despite his best efforts to push it away, and finally thought of one small favor that he would be willing to do to help.

"DO YOU NEED ME TO KISS IT?" He quickly realized his slip of the tongue, and reeled it back in. "I MEAN ICE IT"

Eridan opened one eye to stare at Karkat.

"kissin it is fine"

"ERIDAN, KISSING WAS NOT A FUCKING OPTION"

At this Eridan clutched his head in both hands and screwed his eyes shut.

"augh kar if youre gonna yell can you stand a little awway" He reopened his eyes slightly to look imploringly at Karkat. "i havve sensitive ears"

Karkat stared at Eridan increduously. "YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO GO FURTHER AWAY? SOMEONE CALL GAMZEE IT'S A FUCKING MIRACLE."

"ungh kar my head is a tree" Eridan said through gritted teeth. "and you are a lumberjack" He glared pointedly at Karkat. "do you appreciate the comparison"

"AREN'T LUMBERJACKS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE..." Karkat mused, completely ignoring Eridan. "EQUIUS BUT IN PLAID?"

"...yeah actually i think so" Eridan said, ignoring the most recent barrage against his brain. "also theyre supposed to cross dress"

It was at this moment that Karkat realized that he had forgotten to lock his computer. The last time he had left his computer unlocked for more than a day, some asshole had gotten on his trollian, logged onto his account, changed the font color, and had decided to chat up his troll homies on Karkat's own, personal, _private _computer. "WAIT A SECOND. I'LL BE BACK."

"no i think lumber jacks are literally supposed to- hey wwait no dont leavve me" But Karkat had already gone, and Eridan was in no fit state to go after him. He was still staggering slightly, and his brain didn't seem to be working quite right.

"glub"

Well, as long as Karkat was gone, he might as well try to clean up this mess. It became evident soon enough though, that his brain most definitely was NOT working right. At first he just searched for a fresh towel, but found nothing of the sort. The assortment of items in the room was primarily made up of computers. So naturally, Eridan's first thought was that the blank white sheets on document-editing programs would probably work just like white sheets of paper, and thus experimented, trying to soak up the spew with a computer screen. Needless to say, this experiment ended in failure. He then proceeded to wonder if Nepeta's sugar cubes could perchance soak the bile up, and thus experimented. Needless to say, again, this one, too, ended in disaster. Eridan was now running out of ideas, and so when he saw the Tinkerbull plushie lying defensless and alone, his first thought was that it would be a wonderful barf-soaking-up sponge-like item! He was wrong. It wasn't.

"COD DAMMI-AUGH MY HEAD"

Just as Eridan was eying Mindfang's journal Karkat arrived, and the sight that met him was... interesting, to say the least.

"DID YOU JUST TRY TO MOP YOUR OWN PUKE UP WITH TAVROS'S TINKERBULL?"

Eridan's eyes immediatly snapped onto Karkat.

"uhhhh" He inched in front of the mess of vomit-soaked objects. "no"

Karkat just stared at him.

"YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE HIM MENTAL SCARRING."

"it fell in" Eridan did his best to put on an innocent face, and failed miserably. "honest"

Karkat opted to ignore it all, and instead asked, "ARE YOU FEELING ANY BETTER?"

"a little" Eridan shrugged.

"CAN YOU GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM?"

Eridan's face fell at the mention of his room.

"...no..."

"FUCKING HELL ERIDAN." Karkat exclaimed.

"...im sorry kar i knoww im really pathetic..."

Karkat looked at Eridan in thought before saying, "IF YOU COME TO MINE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH TEREZI AND I."

Eridan tried not to make a ridiculously happy face, and thus ended up making a sort of lopsided, distraught-looking frown. Karkat just stared at him in trepidation for a moment.

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT THAT FACE MEANS." He kept staring. "BUT IT'S FREAKING ME OUT."

"sorry" Eridan quickly stopped making the unsettling face. "it means nothin"

Karkat, again, decided to disregard it.

"SO YEAH, I DOUBT YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY ROOM." Eridan shifted uncomfortably.

"but my rooms under the sea"

"I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU HERE THEN." Karkat said, only half joking. Eridan did not pick up on the joke, and looked at Karkat with a mixture of fear and sadness.

"noooooooo" Eridan pleaded. "no dont leavve me here again kar..." Karkat did not respond immediately. "kar?"

"I'M TRYING TO THINK OF WHO'S ROOM YOU CAN STAY IN." Karkat replied, and added, "WHO'S NOT UNDER THE SEA."

"ill stay in yours kar its fine ill deal" Eridan said hastily.

"BUT TEREZI..." Karkat mumbled. "SHE'LL BE THERE..."

"wwhat" Eridan blinked. "its fine shes fine" He paused. Karkat stared at Eridan, meanwhile hosting a small war with his emotions. "er" Eridan couldn't stop the hopeful chime from invading his next statement, "unless fefs room is awhaleable"

"OK FINE. YOU FUCKING CALLED MY-" Karkat stopped dead in his tracks as Eridan's suggestion hit his ears. "OH I'LL GO SEE!" He made to walk off.

"no scratch that she hates me..." Eridan stared at the ground in defeat. "glub"

"OH... WELL FUCK THAT IDEA." Karkat said, and returned.

"wwhy"

"WELL YOU JUST SAID FEFERI FUCKING HATES YOU."

"yeah... glub" Eridan then looked back up at Karkat. "wwait i called your wwhat"

"NOTHING." Karkat used a level 5 subject change maneuver. "WHICH MEANS YOU'RE BACK TO MY ROOM..." He sighed. "WHICH DOESN'T ACTUALLY HAVE TEREZI IN IT."

"yup" Eridan said. "wwait wwhat"

"YOU FUCKING CALLED MY BLUFF."

"but" Eridan stared in confusion. "wwha..."

"I DON'T FUCKING WANT YOU IN MY ROOM ERIDAN."

Eridan looked at Karkat in what he hoped was an imploring way.

"but" he stammered. "but i dont havve anyone else to go to..."

"I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING LEAVE YOU HERE." Karkat blinked. "UNLESS THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT."

"no i dont"

"JEGUS. FUCK. FINE." Karkat glared at no one in particular, as Eridan tilted his head to the side like a dog. "WAIT, YOU SEEM FINE NOW. YOU'RE STANDING. YOU CAN WALK TO YOU OWN FUCKING ROOM, ERIDAN!"

"kar im covvered in my owwn vvomit" Eridan widened his eyes in surprise at the sound that just escaped his mouth. "hehe" he snickered. "vvvvvvvvvvvvomit"

"YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING WATER." Karkat said. "IT'LL COME OFF." He tapped his foot in annoyance. "ANYWAY. MY ROOM IS A FUCKING MESS. A DISASTER ZONE."

"ill deal wwith it!" Karkat just stared at him, trying to invent a new reason for Eridan to go back to his own room, and NOT go to Karkat's. Eridan looked at the shorter troll in disgruntlment. "...kar i" He hesitated. "hate the sea" Karkat's eyebrow rose in mild mockery.

"WHAT? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE THERE THEN?"

"cuz im a highb100d" Eridan said, then realized his mistake. "FUCK highblood cod dammit" He corrected. "and wwe havve fins and gills and its just the natural thing for us to do"

"DON'T YOU WISH DEATH UPON ALL LAND DWELLERS OR SOME SHIT THOUGH?"

"im not a land dwweller my rooms in the sea!" Eridan replied indignantly. "im just normallly not..." Karkat stared at him in befuddlment, expecting him to go on.

"NOT WHAT?"

Eridan simply stared at him, nonplussed.

"not in the sea kar."

"OH." Karkat said. "RIGHT."

Karkat could tell his reasons for having Eridan go somewhere else had diminished, and Eridan was gazing at him in anticipation. Finally Karkat gritted his teeth in defeat.

"FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK" He grimaced. "FINE YOU CAN STAY IN MY ROOM."

"yaaay!" Eridan threw his arms in the air, but when he saw the glare Karkat was giving him, he lowered them again. "er i mean good"

Karkat rolled his eyes and headed off in the direction of his room, with Eridan quick to follow. "thanks kar youre the best friend a guy who snorted slime could havve!"

Karkat glared through the corner of his eye. "DON'T TRY PULLING ANY OF YOUR WEIRD BULLSHIT THOUGH."

"wwhat wweird bullshit"

"THE HITTING ON ME AND FLIRTING."

"also howw come you told me ter wwas in your room?"

"NO." Karkat simply stated.

"no wwhat"

"I ALREADY FUCKING TOLD YOU, I DIDN'T WANT YOU IN MY ROOM." Karkat said as if telling a dog off. "NO FLIRTING ERIDAN."

"wwhat" Eridan appeared taken aback. "of course i wwont please kar wwould i evver do a thing like that"

Karkat simply stared at Eridan. "IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST ERIDAN."

"...really?"

"I DON'T MEAN YOU DO IT WELL EITHER." Karkat hissed. "I MEAN IT'S ALL YOU EVER FUCKING DO."

"wwait so the thing i do best isnt evven done wwell?" Eridan slumped in what must have been a very well-rehearsed mope, and stared at the floor in dismay.

"ERIDAN, NOTHING YOU DO IS DONE WELL." Karkat paused. "EXCEPT YOUR HAIR."

An insta-transformation immediatly took place, and Eridan was grinning up at Karkat in a smile that could have given Terezi a run for her money.

"WHICH IS NOT SEXY." Karkat made sure to say. "BUT I ADMIT IT IS DONE WELL."

Eridan ignored the previous slights against his person and responded with, "thank you kar!"

The two trolls arrived at Karkat's room and entered through the door. Karkat had been thinking about getting Sollux and Equius to help him install a transportalizer so that only he could get into his quarters. That would at least solve the problem of that douchebag who kept using his computer. Actually, now that Karkat thought about it, it might not be a bad idea to make transportalizers for all of the trolls' rooms. But not now. Later.

Despite Karkat's claims of his room being a total mess, it was actually very neat and well kept. There was a single squishy grey couch in the center of it, with a purple recuperacoon off to the side, against a wall. There was a dresser with a sickle on top of it, a trash bin, and an ATH~ book set neatly beside a wooden box that rest in a crook of the room. There were two other doors besides the one they had entered through. Karkat closed the door behind them and turned to Eridan.

"JUST DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THE BOX IN THE CORNER." Karkat said.

Eridan stared at said box, which had a sickle carved into it, the words, "LOOK AND DIE FUCKASS" scrawled across one of its sides, a very angry face drawn in pencil, and a single heart, painted red, engraved into the center of a side. His curiosity was piqued.

"wwhats in the box in the corner"

Karkat hesitated for a moment. "IT'S NEPETA'S." He said. "YEAH."

Eridan raised an eyebrow at him. "wwhy is neps stuff in your room"

"UM." Karkat again paused briefly, before answering, "SHE LEFT IT"

"oh"

"IT'S HERS THOUGH. NOT MINE."

"uh huh" Eridan stared at Karkat skeptically. "wwhats in there"

"I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T FUCKING SEARCH OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT. WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO DOES THAT?"

"uhhhh" Eridan pulled at his scarf, a bit nervously. "no one i wwould affiliate my self wwith ahaha..."

"EXACTLY."

An awkward silence settled over the room as both trolls tried to think of something to say. Eridan's eyes kept darting back to that acursed crate.

"the box kar"

"WHAT ABOUT IT?"

"kar im a vvery curious kinda guy" Eridan stated. "especially about that box"

"WELL TOO FUCKING BAD."

"so"

"SO?"

"so can wwe at least get it outta my line a sight?"

"IT'S IN A FUCKING CORNER." Karkat said in exasperation. "JUST KEEP YOUR BACK TO IT."

"...glub"

The silence settled again, leaving the two to stare at anything but each other.

"SO... UMM..."

"wwhere am i gonna sleep kar i only see one recuperacoon"

Karkat looked around the place, feeling awkward as he did so. He then remembered, "DIDN'T I MAKE IT REALLY FUCKING CLEAR THAT NO ONE IS TO SLEEP?"

"oh right" Eridan could think of nothing better to say, so he just said, "glub" before the silence overtook them again. Karkat and Eridan glanced around the room, looking for something to focus on, anything but each other. Karkat shuffled his feet and looked down at the floor, whereas Eridan went into his default mode and glubbed.

"JEGUS THIS IS SOME CRAZY FUCKING SEXUAL TENSION." Karkat blurted out. "I MEAN" He stared at Eridan. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT."

Eridan's expression changed from one of surprise to one of the suavest troll in town. "yes it is kar" he said. "vvery much so"

"YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE ERIDAN."

"am i" He asked, nonchalantly. "okay im sorry"

"MAYBE ON YOUR END." Karkat continued. "BUT HERE, I'M ABOUT AS SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED AS..." Karkat trailed off, as Eridan waited expectantly for the end that never came.

"wwhat?" He urged.

"...I DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY THERE."

"youre about as sexually frustrated as" Eridan pondered. "wwhats the thing that has the most sexual troubles in history" **(A/N: Answer: Eridan.)**

"THAT'S WHAT I'M NOT AS SEXUALLY FRUSRATED AS." Karkat stated. "NOPE. I'M FUCKING TEREZI, REMEMBER?"

"oh right" Eridan frowned a bit. "glub..."

Scrambling for something, anything to talk about, Karkat ended up asking, "DO YOU LIKE... WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?"

"uh wwhat do you havve"

"NOT MUCH OF ANYTHING, ACTUALLY"

"oh"

"SORRY."

"its okay"

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION"

With that, the two stood in the uncomfortable quiet once again.

"wwell i knoww one thing thatd givve us somethin to stalk about" Eridan finally broke the silence. "talk oops"

"STALK? WHAT THE FUCK?" Karkat looked up, alarmed. "ERIDAN, DON'T FUCKING START."

"...start wwhat...?" Eridan asked, and then said in frustration, "i meant talk cod dammit"

"OK. FINE. WHAT IS IT?"

"wwell" Eridan said slowly. "i wwas thinkin wwe could" He eyed a patch of ceiling. "you knoww"

"NO, I DON'T. PLEASE, FUCKING ENLIGHTEN ME."

Eridan hesitated. "wwell its just that that fucking box is drivvin me crazy"

"OH JEGUS..." Karkat grumbled.

"it wwould at least make things less awwkwward" Eridan reasoned. "probably"

"NO. IT WOULDN'T." Karkat replied, shaking his head. "NOT AT ALL."

"but howw do you knoww"

"FUCK, UM" Karkat thought for a second. "BECAUSE THESE SORTS OF THINGS NEVER END WELL."

"i mean wwe wwont knoww unless wwe do it"

"YOU WON'T" Karkat said, then realized his error. "I MEAN"

"howw come nep wwas ovver here anywway" Eridan interjected.

"SHE WAS... ROLE PLAYING?"

"wwith you"

"UMM. SURE."

"wwwwwwwwait" Eridan said, realizing something. "kar"

"WHAT?"

"doesnt she havve a major crush on you"

"I GUESS THAT ANSWERS THE QUESTION OF WHY SHE WAS HERE."

Eridan stared at Karkat for a moment.

"wwhats in the box"

"I DON'T KNOW." Karkat sighed, and looked to the side in annoyance. "JEGUS."

"wwell then lets find out" With that Eridan walked over to the box before Karkat realized what had happened.

"...NO DON'T-"

But Karkat was too late. Eridan pushed off the lid of the box, and a flurry of crudely drawn pictures fluttered out. Most of them were of a certain troll with lightning bolt horns and a nubby-horned partner, although there were different pairings here and there.

"THAT'S NOT YOU." Karkat denied. "IT'S NOT. NOPE"

"uhhh" Eridan took some of the pictures in his hands. "kar"

"WHAT?"

"wwhat" Eridan tried to find words enough to form a sentence. "wwhat are you" He looked from picture to picture in shock. "i" He glanced back to another. "this is"

"IT'S NEPETA'S. LIKE I SAID. CRAZY TROLL, HUH?"

"oh uh right"

Karkat was currently failing miserably at covering up a blush.

"but i thought she shipped you and her"

"UM, WHY, WHO AM I SHIPPED WITH THERE?" Karkat tried to ask nonchalantly. "BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW."

"wwell" Eridan said, grinning, the initial shock wearing off. "apparently she ships you and me pretty glubbin hard"

"...IMAGINE THAT."

"oh yeah" Eridan said, his grin widening. "imagine that" He said. "yeah there are just tons an tons a pics here a me an you"

"THAT'S REALLY WEIRD. AND KIND OF FUCKED UP." Karkat said, trying his best to keep a poker face, but failing.

"oh i dont knoww" Eridan said, surveying the pictures as if he was a critic.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT?"

"its not THAT glubbed up" He said. "i mean fucked up"

"MAYBE NOT FOR YOU" Karkat just stared with his eyes wide and his mouth a thin line across his face.

"huh" Eridan grinned over his shoulder at Karkat, his smirk widening every second.

"WAIT ERIDAN, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT'S US? I MEAN IT COULD BE ANYONE WITH SEXY HAIR AND GLASSES."

"they havve our signs kar"

"BULLSHIT! YOU CAN'T EVEN READ THEIR SIGNS!" Karkat accused, forgetting that he wasn't supposed to know what the pictures looked like.

"and this one ovver here has you sayin 'OH YES ERIDAN I LOVE YOU TOO' "

Karkat paused, thinking of a response.

"MAYBE IT'S NOT ME." He said. "I MEAN DO I REALLY TALK LIKE THAT?"

"wwell im goin 'mmmm yes karat i lovvvve you sooooo much' " Eridan continued in a pleased tone. "so it could be possible shes shippin me wwith a karat."

"OH." Karkat looked down. "WELL... I GUESS SHE'S PRETTY OBSESSED WITH THIS PAIRING."

"and no you sound much cooler in real life" Eridan replied in response to Karkat's earlier question.

"WE SHOULD PUT THE PICTURES BACK IN THE BOX."

"yeah this box is full of them" Eridan ignored Karkat, who merely stared at the back of Eridan's head.

"and wwhat is this kan and ter?" Eridan held up a picture of Kanaya and Terezi having sloppy makeouts. "wwhat?"

"OK, WOW, THAT'S AN INTERESTING PAIRING." Karkat said. "TOTALLY POSSIBLE THOUGH. IF NEPETA DREW IT, IT'S POSSIBLE." He added, somewhat defensively. Eridan squinted his eyes and stared at the picture as if reading something from very far away.

"i guess i could see that" He remarked. "...oh wwait theres a feww of you in here wwith a human wwith glasses wwearing blue as wwell"

"I DON'T HAVE ANY FEELING TOWARDS HUMANS!" Karkat said hastilly. "AND NEPETA DID DRAW IT. IT WAS HER. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE LEFT IT IN MY ROOM. LET'S PUT THEM BACK AND NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN."

"wwhat i dont get is wwhy there are none of you and her considerin that its her ot3 or wwhatevver" Eridan ignored Karkat's suggestion yet again, while at the same time misusing an internet abreviation.

"MAYBE SHE'S NOT AS OBSESSED WITH ME AS WE THOUGHT."

"yeah but theres like none" Eridan turned to look at Karkat. "isnt that wweird kar"

"MAYBE SHE DOESN'T LIKE DRAWING HERSELF."

"so completely uncharacteristic a her" Eridan continued. "almost like she didnt actually draww these"

"LET'S STOP ANALYZING THIS." Karkat said, desperately.

"and maybe someone else did" Eridan grinned and looked over his glasses at Karkat. "hmmmmm?"

"THAT'S A WEIRD IDEA."

"but wwhat do i knoww youre probably right" Eridan said, looking away from Karkat.

"THAT'S DEFINITELY NEPETA'S ART!" Karkat persisted.

"isnt hers more... wwell round"

"THAT'S FUCKING GOOD CRAYON WORK, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

"i mean hers are more circular" Eridan said quickly.

"SOUNDS LIKE THE SAME ARTIST TO ME!"

"wweird huh"

"YEAH, NEPETA'S A WEIRD ONE. LET'S PUT HER SHIT AWAY."

"howw come youre so desperate to get this awway huh kar" Eridan inquired, turning to look at Karkat again, who was shifting his weight uncomfortably. "i think its pretty interestin" Eridan smiled just slightly. "to say the least"

"I..." Karkat fumbled around for an answer. "UH... I DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF US. IT'S WEIRD."

"especially cuz shes so convvinced that wwe should havve a thing" Eridan raised an eybrow once more. "maybe theres somethin to that hmm?"

"...IT'S JUST A STUPID FANGIRL OBSESSION." Karkat mumbled.

"wwelp i guess youre right" Eridan promptly turned around and started putting the pictures back in the box.

"YES. YES I AM." Karkat said with relief.

"yep" Eridan continued. "probably no truth to these things at all" he placed another few in. "nope"

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Karkat said. "THEY'RE COMPLETELY FALSE. I MEAN, I ALREADY SAID YOUR HAIR ISN'T SEXY." He paused and swayed a moment. "OH LOOK AT THAT I'VE GOTTA..."

Eridan, again, looked over his shoulder at Karkat who's eyes had become half-lidded.

"wwhatvve you gotta do"

Karkat just stood there for about a minute before Eridan said with some uncertainty, "...yes?"

And then Karkat crumpled to the floor. It would have been quite horrifying if it hadn't been for the monstrous snoring coming from the small troll.

"kar!" Eridan ran over to him, worried that he might have hurt himself when he fell. He wondered what had caused this sudden onsluaght of narcolepsy, and realized that Karkat had given the order not to sleep days ago, and that Karkat must have fought off sleep this whole time. Now that he thought about it, Eridan supposed that the bags under Karkat's eyes _had _been becoming more pronounced, and he_ had_ seemed more irratable as of late.

"youre not supposed to sleep kar" Eridan said, but then grew quiet. Karkat drooled a bit as he snored, and Eridan couldn't help but find the sleeping troll adorable. He gazed at him with a soft smile as Karkat's snores grew quieter. Eridan heaved with all his might to lift the small body, and carried him to the recuperacoon as best as he could. It wasn't that Karkat was heavy, it was more that Eridan was kind of an anti-Equius. He finally transported Karkat to the recuperacoon and proceeded to dump him inside as lovingly as possible, and discovered that it was nigh impossible to stuff someone into a recuperacoon lovingly. Eridan surveyed his handiwork.

"oh dear" He said out loud to himself. "noww his clothes havve gotten all dirty" Eridan sat there staring for a while, unsure of how to proceed. Karkat mumbled in his sleep a slurred, "ERIDAN...?" which startled Eridan out of his present issue. Karkat continued to snore.

"er" Eridan said, uncertainly. "yes, kar?"

It became clear after a while that Karkat wasn't actually waking up, but was simply having dreams of the sea dweller. Eridan allowed himself a smile as Karkat's snores grew quieter still.

"wwelp" He said. "i guess all thats left to do is..." and with that he sat down beside the recuperacoon, intending to stay awake and guard Karkat from unwanted visitors. A mumbled, "FUCK..." was heard from the recuperacoon, and Eridan looked at Karkat quizically. "i wwonder wwhat hes dreamin about..." A mumbled, "FUCKASS..." accompanied the previous bit soon after. "real life?" Karkat ceased mumbling and rolled over in the green goo sullying his clothes further. Eridan decided that something would have to be done about those before long, but for now, he rested his head against the side of the recuperacoon and muttered, "...g'night kar..." with a gentle smile.

**For anyone who's curious, two of the drawings in the box (which are definitely Nepeta's why would you suggest otherwise) can be found here:**

**(replace [dot] with a period, fuckass)**

**http:/s3 [dot] amazonaws [dot] com/data [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lnje3cbUg91qk7b30o1_1280 [dot] jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1316036962&Signature=aITINnS4T1k4JCD160ka6zWf%2FCU%3D**

**http:/s3 [dot] amazonaws [dot] com/data [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lnjigv98bq1qk7b30o1_1280 [dot] jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1316036958&Signature=qI38bP7dwtVH1fBJ7kuqcnZMjOY%3D**

**Aaaaand a preview of next chapter, drawn by my matesprit:**

**http:/s3 [dot] amazonaws [dot] com/data [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lnl25pl8uB1qk7b30o1_1280 [dot] jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1316038024&Signature=bzPPCQZFym7qFHmu2XJkp1w8TdQ%3D**

**With that, I leave you! Review plox and fangs. =D**


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